Going Postal...

I don't send a lot of mail, but when I do, I usually find the experience unpleasant and annoying. The post office has become a place of frustration and hassles. Here are some of my biggest beefs:


1) Stamps

What is the denomination of this stamp (on right)? I HAVE NO CLUE. I am sure that I remembered for at least a week after I purchased a roll. But I have better things to do than remember the face value of stamps. Put the denomination on every fracking stamp! I don't care if the rates just went up. Plan ahead. (Note: They are doing it again with the latest 41 cent stamps which have no denomination on them. Sigh.)

Also, why do we need a million different stamps? I don't need Star Wars stamps, or Breast Cancer stamps, or Florida Panther stamps. Just give me stamps with big fat numbers representing the denomination. What possesses people to feel the need to personalize their stamps? IT'S JUST A STAMP.

2) Postal Nazis

Like the infamous Seinfeld soup Nazi, the post office has become increasingly restrictive in what it will accept as a first class letter. It used to be that all you had to do was make sure it weighed under 1 oz, slap on your stamp, and your letter was sent happily on its way. Now, they tack on additional surcharges (currently $0.17) for any of the following...

• Contains items that cause it to be unflat (pens, trinkets, etc)
• Is too rigid (does not bend easily)
• Has clasps, strings, buttons
• Is square (!!!)
• The length divided by height is less than 1.3 or more than 2.5.

I don't know about you, but now I always measure my envelope dimensions before sending a Hallmark card. I know the reason for this is that they machine process the mail, but who wants to have to go through a checklist before determining postal rates? Just get rid of the surcharge and lump the extra cost of handling non-machine-sortable items into the first class rate. Oh yeah, don't try to staple your envelope (or folded survey card) shut. They will actually send somebody to your home to kick your dog if you do.

3) Marketing Genius

The USPS must have hired a marketing guru to come up with the mail service options. I say this, because your mailing choices are more complicated than a David Lynch movie plot. Take a look for yourself.

This is my typical experience at the post office:

Me: (to myself) (I want to send this package as cheaply as possible.)
Me: "I'd like to ship this package."
Clerk: "How would you like to ship it?"
Me: (I don't know, I just want it shipped as cheaply as possible.)
Me: "What are my choices?"
Clerk: "You can send it Express Mail® for fast delivery or Priority Mail® for 2-3 day delivery"
Me: "Oh, Express Mail® will get it there overnight?"
Clerk: "Or the next day. We don't guarantee 1-day delivery."
Me: (That sounds expensive, and if it takes 2 days, it's not any better than Priority Mail®. Those are my only choices, Express or Priority? I want "Standard" shipping!)
Me: "I guess I'll go with Priority Mail®. That will be delivered in 2-3 days, right?" (I still feel like the clerk is holding out on me and there is actually a cheaper rate. I just need to say the secret pass phrase...)
Clerk: "It could take longer. It's 2-3 days on average. Do you want insurance on that?"
Me: (Insurance? WTF? Are you planning to lose my package? Does the insurance actually reduce the chance you will lose it? Sigh.) "No"
Clerk: "Do you need delivery confirmation? Would you like a roll of stamps today? Would you like the Hello Kitty or the Andy Kaufman special edition stamps..."
Me: "No, No, No, No....ARGH!!!!"