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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Unlucky Number 7

Names have been changed to protect the innocent...and the guilty...

The other day my girlfriend, Charlize, shocked me when she revealed that I was, in fact, number 7 in her cell phone speed-dial. My head was spinning as I soon discovered that I was in a situation far worse than what Jerry went through in that Seinfield episode.

What were the 6 phone numbers ahead of me?

1) 911 - Oh yes, she had 911 as her #1 speed dial. She defended this vehemently, "What if you were dying in the street and you only had enough energy to press one button?" I had a terrible vision of myself trying to get help after a car crash.... 9...... I die before I can type 1 1.

2) Voicemail - OK, I'm cool with that. Voice mail is a high priority.

3) Work Phone - Now, Charlize is not the kind of woman who gets after-hours phone calls on her work number, but fine, I'll let that slide.

4) Parents - Yeah sure, you gotta respect your parents. It's a rule of thumb - person who passed you through her uterus gets priority over boyfriend, anytime.

5) Bob - Oh no! Good friend and ex-boyfriend gets higher spot. This is not a good sign. "It's for historical reasons," she explains. Well, I guess it would be hard to remember that the person who used to be #5 is now #8. Guys, can you imagine a girlfriend letting you keep a female friend higher on the list than her?

I don't know if I can take any more of this. But I still have to deal with one more spot.

#6) Empty - WTF? WTF! There is an empty spot before me! I suppose this is just in case somebody more important comes along. Otherwise, if she had to demote me later from #6 to #7, it would be difficult to remember (see #5 for example).

#7) Me - There I am at #7, below the empty spot. I feel empty. I feel crushed. I feel my heart race. I can't stop it. I think I am having a heart attack. I need help! 9....1....ugh.

Note: She was #2 and #3 in my phone, but I think that I will be making some changes.

Monday, May 15, 2006


I noticed a funny phone# on a public phone in the airport the other day...


But, that has 8 letters in it?!?! Yup, the Z is ignored. They are hoping that you start typing in the number, and then before you have time to be confused by the Z, you will already be on your way to making a collect call.

That really doesn't connect with me.

ABC Liquor

Over the weekend I went to pick up some liquor at the local ABC store. In Virginia, you have to purchase hard alcohol from the state run store. I asked the guy at the counter if they happened to sell bartender's spoons (I was thinking about making some layered shots). He leaned back, gave a loud hoot, and proclaimed, "Ha Ha Ha, no bartender tools, only liquor, Ha Ha Ha, no lemons or limes either, Ha Ha Ha..."

Screw you, Mr. ABC counter guy!

That really gives me a hangover.