Most Annoying Pre-Recorded Phone Message Ever

Ever get this:

"We're sorry, it is not necessary to dial a 1 or zero when calling this number. Please hang up and try your call again."

WTF? The phone company is just rubbing it in that I didn't follow their rules? They know what number I wanted to call, they just want to make me dial it over again without a 1. Bastards!

That reals pushes my buttons.

Click To Enlarge

I wasn't sure if the bulb I was evaluating had the proper connection interface. Fortunately, the page offered a "Click to Enlarge" option so I could get a better look. Here is the original and enlarged picture:

That really enlarges my bulb.

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Update: I guess we're not the only people to notice this type of issue.

Thanks... for Nothing

I was chatting with a friend in MSN Messenger. He was trying to send me a file, and for some reason it was taking a rather long time to transfer.

But lo and behold, Microsoft was there to help! I saw a link at the top of the chat window that said "If you are experiencing a slow transfer rate, click here to find out why". The wonderful geniuses at Microsoft somehow detected just what I was thinking, and were there to offer a solution. I clicked the link to find out why.

A page loaded which said "A problem occurred. Please try again".

Thanks Microsoft... for nothing.


That really slows my transfer.

Killer Sale

A few weeks ago I received two coupons for $10 off your entire purchase from a local Safeway grocery store. It was for one specific location because they had recently remodelled and wanted to attract new business. The store was only slightly out of my way travelling from work to home, so I decided to stop in and use the coupons.

This past Saturday there was a shoot-out in front of the Safeway and three people were killed. It happened late in the evening (10:45PM), but Safeway was still open and this is the time I often grocery shop. There is some irony to being killed in front of a "Safe"-way.

I'll tell you what, it's gonna take at least $20 coupons to get me to ever go back to that supermarket.

That really expires my coupon.

Rave: Online Photo Sharing

Lately I've been spending a lot of time browsing photos on Flickr. I started with the idea that you can easily find photos of rare things by using simple search tags (try green flash, for example). But over time I have come to realize what an amazing thing it really is to be able to peruse other people's personal photo albums. It almost feels like you are sharing EVERYBODY's experiences.

For example...

Last weekend I went hiking at Whiteoak Canyon in Shenandoah National Park with Hallie and Theresa. The waterfalls were so beautiful.




Then, I had dinner with the girls at Jalelo's in downtown DC.



Then I just hung out and watched TV with the regular gang.



OK, I don't really know any of those people.

But I've even been able to find pictures that hit closer to home.
Search for pics from your high school, favorite diner, whatever. You may be surprised.

That really clicks with me.

Spilled Milk

The other day I discovered a gallon of milk in my refrigerator in a funky package, different than what we usually get from the grocery store. I was pleased to see that I was about to experience the latest in milk storage technology. It was Kirkland Farms milk from Costco. Given that they now have syrup bottles that somehow do not get covered in sticky syrup, I was giddy with anticipation to experience this new milk distribution unit.


Now, the one thing about choosing milk is that milk is milk. It all tastes pretty much the same. In a way, it's like when you choose where to get gasoline. As long as the gas doesn't spill all over the side of my car and my shoes, I am happy with the gas.

So here are my three requirements for milk:
1. It does not give me mad cow disease
2. I can quickly open the safety seal without special tools
3. I can pour it without it dripping all over the container and counter.

Here is my report card for Kirkland Farms gallon milk from Costco:
No Mad Cow: A
Safety Seal: D-
No Drips: F

The safety seal on this container has the approximate removal time of the plastic wrapper on a CD (yes, including that sticker on the edge). Note, this time can be reduced if you have handy an eyeglass repair kit and some whittling tools.

It is somehow impossible to dispense milk from this container without having milk go down the side and drip on the counter. The one exception might be if you were pouring the entire contents of the container into a very large pot. This might be a good idea anyhow - then just store the pot in the refrigerator and toss the milk container in the trash. When the milk in the pot goes sour, now you can go buy a gallon of milk from another store.

Note to milk distributors - please discontinue the use of this container immediately, or I will have to start sending people to this site.

This really bovines my spongiform encephalopathy!

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Update
==========

I received a nice e-mail (below) from Costco customer service.


I guess it is pretty cool that the cartons are stackable. If you don't mind drips, and want something you can stack, then I heartily endorse Kirkland Farms milk from Costco.

Easy Share My Ass

I recently decided to "upgrade" my Kodak "Easyshare" software from ver. 5.0 to ver. 6.1. It was anything BUT easy. Calling it "Easyshare" is like calling quantum physics "Easylearn". Here are a few of the worst things that happened:

1) The software failed to install, giving the extremely useful error response "Error 20x101x12029x." When I went to the Kodak support website, they had a list of troubleshooting instructions where you had to match up your error code. "Click here if you are experiencing 451x238x12951x error." There was no rhyme or reason to the error codes. I had to read the entire list, matching up those codes until I found a match. I did not find a match.

2) I finally found some generic instructions suggesting that I do the following before trying to install ver. 6.1.

• Remove ver. 5.0


• Reboot computer


• Download ClearV64N.exe from Kodak website and run


• Reboot computer


• Try installation again

I had to run a special application to remove their software? WTF? Upgrades should be able to install over older versions or coexist, not require manual remove of previous versions, special software, and 2 fracking reboots! Even after that, during additional phone support from Kodak, they had me search my hard drive and manually delete additional remnants of their weed-like software.

3) Now that I completely removed Kodak "Easyshare" from my computer, I could no longer access my CD-ROM drive (the removal corrupted my drivers). I also could no longer access my Kodak "Easyshare" camera, which requires the software to download pictures. Warning: Never buy a digital camera that requires special software to download the pictures! A lot of GOOD cameras give you immediate access to the photos the same way you get access to files from a flash drive when you plug it in.

4) The final solution was for me to turn off my firewall while installing the software. Listen here, Kodak, I don't want to turn my firewall off to install your crappy software. The whole point of a firewall it to protect myself from malicious, or in your case poorly designed, software. "Oh you can trust us, we are a big friendly company." Like Sony BMG?

If I didn't absolutely need this software for my camera, I would have never continued with the installation. I also don't plan to buy any more cameras from Kodak. Mea culpa.

That really makes me 45x607x2091x.

Preying on Human Nature

I am getting tired of people taking advantage of us. They study our human nature, and then they use it against us to get our money. Here are some examples:

1. Gas pumps that have the most expensive (high octane) gas on the left. You are thinking about something else, click on the left choice that you expect to be the cheapest, and you end up spending an extra $.20 per gallon.
2. Pop-ups in a web browser that start installing something if you click "OK" instead of the red X.
3. Telemarketers who record you saying "yes" to confirm your name, then it turns out you're actually saying yes to agree to sign up for something.
4. "Free" services that automatically start billing you if you do not take the initiative and figure out how to cancel them.
5. TV shows that tell you to stay tuned for scenes from next week's episode. Then they get you twice - first they show you a bunch of commercials and then they roll right into the next show to get you hooked.
6. Restaurants that include the gratuity in the bill and don't tell you. There is no incentive for the server to tell you that the gratuity is included because they can stay quiet and hope for a double tip. I can recall several times that we almost didn't notice this (and I'm sure there were times we never caught it at all).

We can all be absent-minded at times and not pay attention to details. So shame on us, but also shame on companies who take advantage of our weaknesses.

Pluto Gets a Kick in the Nuts

Last week, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) decided on new rules classifying planets. Alas, poor Pluto has been demoted to a "dwarf planet". Pluto does not qualify under the new definition of (classical) planet because it does not "clear the neighborhood around its orbit". What the IAU failed to consider, is that Pluto has heart. Maybe Pluto isn't the tidiest planet, leaving junk in it's orbit (actually, the overlap with Neptune's orbit is the main issue), but EVERYBODY loves Pluto. I think our admiration for Pluto has something to do with it being the smallest and most distant planet. People love to root for underdogs. Maybe the IAU members never saw Rocky? I am still hoping that Pluto will get up off the mat and kick Apollo Creed's butt.

That really burns my orbit.

Red Hot Chili Peppers

What is the deal with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and their obsession with naming states in their songs?

"Born in the north And sworn to entertain ya ’Cause I’m down for The state of Pennsylvania..."
"Bonafide ride Step aside my Johnson Yes I could In the woods of Wisconsin"
"Me Oh My O Me and Guy O Freer than a bird ’Cause we’re rockin’ Ohio"
from All Around the World.

"Gettin' born in the state of Mississippi..."
"In Alabama she was swinging hammer..."
"Black bandana, sweet Louisiana..."
"Robbin'on a bank in the state of Indiana..."
from Dani California.

And, of course, let's not forget the lovely song Californication.

Enough already, put down the US map and write some songs about something else!

That really burns my Idaho patatoes.

BK Stacker

You have to love Burger King's new promotional item, the BK^TM Stacker, "The burger with more of what you love...meat, cheese and bacon." They know what we don't want... any of that pesky lettuce, tomato, or onions that only gets in the way. In fact, I think some stores are offering free hypodermic needles so that you can inject the grease directly into your arteries without expending all that effort chewing. They offer the Triple Stacker, which consists of 3 beef patties, 3 slices of cheese and 4 slices of bacon. I know what you are thinking, "Are they CRAZY? Is that the largest I can get? I want more!" Calm down. For the more endeavorous meat enthusiasts there is also the Quad Stacker.

I received a coupon for the BK Stacker offering a FREE 6 pieck BK chicken fries with the purchase of a BK^TM Stacker value meal. After eating a double stacker with a large coke and large fries, the LAST thing you need is some chicken fries. In fact, I was only able to eat three of them before I felt sharp pains in my abdomen. Sigh.



That really clogs my arteries!

DVD Menu Clips are Tedious

Who is the idiot who designs the menu interface for DVDs? On very few occasions, the animated content in the menu is entertaining, or in the very least, unobtrusive. I recommend, for example, watching the menu on An Evening with Kevin Smith. It's very amusing. But more often, these menus contain short sound bites or action clips from the movie that become repetitive and downright unbearable if you happen to leave the movie in the menu mode for more than a few minutes. Recently I rented The Aristocrats and left it in menu mode as I finished some other activity before watching the movie. The menu consisted of two or three "jokes" from the movie. After listening to these clips 20 times, I almost ripped the DVD player out of my entertainment center and drop kicked it down the hall.

That really slips my disc. That really slips my disc. That really slips my disc.

Jewelry Marketing

I heard a radio commercial this morning for a jewelry store. Some big sale they are having with historic discounts. I especially enjoyed the meaningless phrase "everything in the store up to 50% off".

I guess maybe you have to sympathize a little bit with jewelry marketers. After all, they are trying to sell a product that has the highest mark-up of any retail item, has a completely arbitrary price, is always on sale everywhere, is almost impossible for most people to correctly evaluate, and has almost no practical value.

The World Cup Sucks

I can't believe that the world cup final was decided by a single missed penalty shot (it hit the crossbar) after a boring 1-1 tie through overtime. The two goals were scored in the first half of the game and none of the penalty shots were blocked by the goalies.

And they wonder why Americans don't watch soccer.

The highlight of the game was when France's Zidane headbutted Italy's Materazzi and was ejected from the game.

Rave: LaLa.com

Just a quick rave about LaLa.com. It is basically a website for exchanging CDs with other people. Each CD you get costs you a total of $1.75, including shipping. I have already received 3 relatively obscure CDs that I had wanted for several years. As a contrast, buying a particular used CD on eBay typically takes months to get the item I want for around $5.

The best thing about LaLa is the website. It is a great user interface where everything works exactly the way it should, even though it is a Beta product that has only been out for about a month. Lala is not perfect, but it is a strong example of how to make positive use of the web.

Ruin-scape: When Video Games Approach Reality

When most people comment that video games are getting more and more realistic, they mean that the graphics are stunning. This is not what I am going to rant about here.

I play this game called "Runescape", a MMORPG, as a way to ESCAPE reality for a while and relax. After dealing with annoying people in real life, the last thing I want is to deal with annoying people in a game.

But this is what happened in the game... I needed some information and I got a tip that this old lady living alone in the woods might have what I need. So I pay her a visit. Unfortunately, she is having trouble remembering the details of what I need to know, but she thinks that a nice cup of tea might help her remember. OK, so she wants a bribe. This is SOP for NPC's in most games. But she doesn't want regular tea, oh no, she wants nettle tea. So I go off and pick some nettles (hurting my hands until I purchased some gloves). I take the nettles to town (no stoves in the woods) and brew her some nice nettle tea. I go back into the woods and give her the tea.

Old Lady: "I only drink tea in my special cup."
Me: "Where do I find that?"
Old Lady: "Here it is."

She gives me the cup, I pour the tea into her cup. I give it to her.

Old Lady: "Oh, I only drink my tea with milk."

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

I had to go back to town, get a bucket, find a cow, milk the cow (it's strange that I can't buy milk at the store), put the milk in the tea and bring it back to her.

That really sours my milk.

Rave: Enjoy the Buffet

I just got the phone call, Warren Buffet has decided to give me $10 million dollars. I think it was a clerical error on his part, but I won't argue. Somehow this happened while he was donating $37 billion to Bill Gate's charitable foundation. He doesn't want to give the money to his children because he believes that too much money is a burden, not a gift. Warren, I am willing to take on that burden.

To put this in perspective, it is a mere pittance (0.02%) compared to the $37 billion he has set aside for the foundation. And combined with Bill Gate's wealth, the foundation will have over $60 billion at it's disposal. If this doesn't make your head spin, consider that the ENTIRE budget of the Red Cross is only $3.4 billion.

Bill...Warren, I'm so glad that we will be feeding starving children around the world. Um, is it selfish of me to ask that the next version of Windows be built solidly enough that I don't have to download a critical patch every week?

Digital Cameras

The problem my friends and family seem to have with their digital camera is they treat it like a magical picture box that has nothing to do with taking useful pictures.

This is what happens. I go out with a friend, we each take some pictures, then we say "hey, let's exchange pictures when we get home". "ok, great". I later realize that I am dealing with one or more of these people:

1. Hi-res Man

Hi-res man buys the latest camera, takes it out of the box, and sets it permanently to the highest 12.8 megapixel setting. When I get his pictures, they are 5 MB each. He says "you can throttle it back on your end if my camera is too good for you". I say "Did you see the picture in Sports Illustrated last week of the humming bird getting passed at the Indy 500? That was only 8.2 megapixels."

2. Snap-Happy Skippy

Snap-Happy Skippy buys a few 4 GB SD memory cards "in case one day I find myself unexpectedly on safari". He sends me 231 pictures from our trip to the mall. He says "Somewhere in there is an award-winning shot". I say "Did you really need 6 pictures of the guy behind the counter at Sbarro?"

3. Eddie E-mail

Eddie e-mail attaches all 231 of his 5 MB pictures individually to an e-mail and sends it to me. He sends it a few times, because he "got a weird message" when he sent it. I say "you can't send 2.2 gig of attachments. Can you put them on an FTP server?" He says "I'm not ordering flowers, I'm trying to send you my pictures.

That really bugs my shutter.

Bumper Stickers

What is it about bumper stickers that will lead a person to put something on their car that they would never say to another person?

I am fine with free speech, and many bumper stickers are amusing and/or make an interesting statement about the individual driving the car. But at least try to follow some general guidelines.

Here are a few examples of bumper stickers I have seen lately that I could do without:

1. The misanthrope
These are the bumper stickers that just seem to express hatred toward others. Many of these seem to have some basis in jealousy. One I saw last week was "My Maltese is smarter than your honor student". First of all, your main point is just to disparage parents who have the "my child is an honor student" stickers. Yes, those "honor student" stickers are probably a bit snooty but at least they are factual. Second, are you sure you want to brag about having a Maltese? Aren't they the little white show dogs with the high-pitched squeal? Third, you are advertising that your most cherished possession is your dog. We don't need to read that far between the lines to interpret that you are also probably saying "I am physically unable to have human children".

2. The political activist
Actually, I have no problem with these political bumper stickers. However, a few things should be noted. First, try to keep these up to date. For about $1, you can get a Kerry 04 sticker to put over your Gore 2000. (Yes, if Gore runs again in 2008 you need to spend another dollar) Also, a tip for you folks who are driving the Volvo or Prius with the Grateful Dead sticker. Don't bother with the anti-Bush sticker, because we already figured that out.

3. The bizarre
I saw a bumper sticker on Ashburn Village Boulevard last week that said "The sex was so good, the neighbor smoked a cigarette". I don't even know where to begin with this one, but let me just say I'm glad my kids were not with me in the car at the time.

4. The Creationist / Evolutionist
Please stop already with the fish and Darwin stickers. If you have one of these, you are saying one of two things. (1) I am a complete idiot who believes that God created all of the animals at the same time, or (2) I think it is fun to sarcastically ridicule the religious beliefs of others.

I'm not sure which of these is worse.

This really sticks my bumper.

Internet Quickies

No, I am not talking about what you do with your webcam in the privacy of your own home. I am talking about short little rants related to annoying website habits...

1) Websites that use your email address as your username. It is so annoying to have to type in a whole email address to access a webpage.

2) Printing a web page in IE. What a crappy interface.

3) Sites that have music that automatically plays when the page is loaded. I especially hate when the sound is for an advertisement.

4) Web sites that appear to only ask you for a little personal information before showing you results, like just your email address, perhaps. But after entering your email address, the site jumps to a new page (or several) asking for more information that you didn't expect them to ask for.

5) Web sites with tight entry form validation before it lets you continue. I once had a website reject my input because my street address was "invalid". I didn't even give a fake one! Apparently their checker couldn't find it in its database.

6) Web sites with animation mayhem. This is usually only found on amateur websites like Myspace profiles, etc. EVERY graphic is an animated graphic. I think I'm going to have a seizure.

7) Frames. Don't use them.

Dumb Dialog Boxes

And what, exactly, are my other choices?

Fading Receipts

The purpose of a receipt is to provide a customer with a record of purchase. It used to be that you could throw your receipts in a shoe box and look at them later when you needed to. However, many stores think that this record only needs to last a few weeks. They use crappy (cheap?) thermal paper receipts, which are quite useless. They fade and become unreadable very quickly.

Shouldn't it be fraud if a store requires a receipt for a return, but knowlingly provides a receipt that doesn't last the entire warranty period? I purchased a new battery for my car recently at Advance Auto Parts. It has a five year warranty. The sales representative actually suggested that I make a photocopy of the receipt because, "the receipt sure isn't going to last that long".

My favorite (*wink*) store, Best Buy, also has ridiculously pathetic receipts.

While I am at it, I am also getting fed up with receipt-checking at the exit and those long receipts filled with survey solicitations, coupons and other such nonesense.

Best Buy Sucks #2

I have found an interesting way to determine which companies are the worst. Look for Google hit counts for "xxxx sucks". Here are some results for several companies that I would rant about and several I would rave about. Can you tell which is which?

Microsoft (86,100 hits)
Cingular (17,700 hits)
Best Buy (13,300 hits)
Ticketmaster (696 hits)
Vonage (656 hits)
CompUSA (418 hits)
Taco Bell (281 hits)
Costco (234 hits)
Chipotle (48 hits)
Pixar (26 hits)
Wegmans (22 hits)

That really hits where it hurts.

Merchandise Pricing and the Surprise Discount

I recently purchased shoes that had a $65 price sticker. But, when I got to the cashier, they rung-up for $45. I went back to the display to see if I missed a sales sign, but I had not.

We all feel good when we end up paying less than we expected, but is this really a smart strategy for the stores? I had already made the decision to buy the shoes at $65, so they lost $20 in extra profit. What about the pair at the other store that I didn't buy because they were marked at $80, maybe they were really only $60?

Stores need to do a better job of providing accurate pricing for their products. It is also very annoying when no price is displayed. Many times I walk away without buying something because there is no price marked and I don't want to bother with waiting in line to find out the price.

That really doesn't add up right.

Unlucky Number 7

Names have been changed to protect the innocent...and the guilty...

The other day my girlfriend, Charlize, shocked me when she revealed that I was, in fact, number 7 in her cell phone speed-dial. My head was spinning as I soon discovered that I was in a situation far worse than what Jerry went through in that Seinfield episode.

What were the 6 phone numbers ahead of me?

1) 911 - Oh yes, she had 911 as her #1 speed dial. She defended this vehemently, "What if you were dying in the street and you only had enough energy to press one button?" I had a terrible vision of myself trying to get help after a car crash.... 9...... I die before I can type 1 1.

2) Voicemail - OK, I'm cool with that. Voice mail is a high priority.

3) Work Phone - Now, Charlize is not the kind of woman who gets after-hours phone calls on her work number, but fine, I'll let that slide.

4) Parents - Yeah sure, you gotta respect your parents. It's a rule of thumb - person who passed you through her uterus gets priority over boyfriend, anytime.

5) Bob - Oh no! Good friend and ex-boyfriend gets higher spot. This is not a good sign. "It's for historical reasons," she explains. Well, I guess it would be hard to remember that the person who used to be #5 is now #8. Guys, can you imagine a girlfriend letting you keep a female friend higher on the list than her?

I don't know if I can take any more of this. But I still have to deal with one more spot.

#6) Empty - WTF? WTF! There is an empty spot before me! I suppose this is just in case somebody more important comes along. Otherwise, if she had to demote me later from #6 to #7, it would be difficult to remember (see #5 for example).

#7) Me - There I am at #7, below the empty spot. I feel empty. I feel crushed. I feel my heart race. I can't stop it. I think I am having a heart attack. I need help! 9....1....ugh.

Note: She was #2 and #3 in my phone, but I think that I will be making some changes.

1-800-I-CANT-COUNT

I noticed a funny phone# on a public phone in the airport the other day...

1-800-USE-THE-VZ

But, that has 8 letters in it?!?! Yup, the Z is ignored. They are hoping that you start typing in the number, and then before you have time to be confused by the Z, you will already be on your way to making a collect call.

That really doesn't connect with me.

ABC Liquor

Over the weekend I went to pick up some liquor at the local ABC store. In Virginia, you have to purchase hard alcohol from the state run store. I asked the guy at the counter if they happened to sell bartender's spoons (I was thinking about making some layered shots). He leaned back, gave a loud hoot, and proclaimed, "Ha Ha Ha, no bartender tools, only liquor, Ha Ha Ha, no lemons or limes either, Ha Ha Ha..."

Screw you, Mr. ABC counter guy!

That really gives me a hangover.

Best Buy Sucks

A recent bad experience at Best Buy has pushed me over the edge, and I refuse to shop there any more. My girlfriend purchased a television and after we lugged it to her home (27" CRT - heavy and bulky) we found that it would shut off for no apparent reason. We lugged the TV back to Best Buy for an exchange. The new TV seemed to work, until it started to do the same thing after about 30 days. The problem is that the warranty was only good for 30 days. After arguing with the Best Buy folks that the TV was clearly defective when purchased, they agreed to send a technician to repair the TV. The technician who came knew exactly what the problem was. "It's the flyback transformer. This TV has a problem with that. We get this all the time." Well, the problem did not go away after the technician's "repair", so we went back to Best Buy to return the TV. They did not want to take it. Even though they were knowingly selling a defective TV, they hid behind their warranty limitations and did not want to take it back. Finally the agreed to an exchange for another TV. We said "Hell no" since we don't trust Best Buy for TV's anymore. Ultimately the best we could do was get them to allow an exchange for other merchandise. They would not give us store credit (we had to do the exchange THAT day) and they would not refund our money.

The worst part of the story was the Store Manager said that it was not possible for him to give us store credit or a refund. That the "system" would not allow him to issue a credit/refund. If he was lying, shame on him. And that is reason enough to never shop at Best Buy again. If he was telling the truth, then nobody should ever buy anything at Best Buy. Any store that does not empower the store manager to deal with customers is not fit to be in business.

That really blows my fuse.

Rave: Opus Dei

With the impending release of the Da Vinci Code movie (based on the bestselling novel), it is not surprising that there would be some stir over the controversial religious themes in the (fictitious) story. The conservative religious group Opus Dei, who is depicted as the villain in the novel, has asked Sony Pictures for a disclaimer to accompany the movie . It is a rare thing for me to praise a religious group for their response to a controversial situation, but in this case I am inclined to praise Opus Dei for their stance. They are not shouting outrage or asking people not to see the movie. They simply want to be treated with respect and not judged by a work of fiction. I, for one, tip my hat to them for not going off the deep end, as many religious groups seem inclined to do.

That really makes my (Opus) Dei!

Class Action Lawsuits

There might be no bigger farce at the moment in our society than class action lawsuits. The concept is a reasonable one - have a company suffer punitive damages for a situation where they were negligent and caused injury or financial loss to their customers. But the system is a joke, and the upshot of these affairs seems to be millions paid to lawyers, nothing to the injured party, and a slap on the wrist to the corporation.

Here is how these typically work:
1. A company imposes a fraudulent fee of $4.95 to 12 million customers over a 5 year period.

2. A class action lawsuit is filed.

3. The way you happen to find out about this is when you see an advertisement in small print on page 55 of TV Guide that says "If you stayed at a Sheraton hotel between August 1993 and May 1998, paid an "Administrative" fee, and have all of your receipts, you might be entitled to participate in a settlement."

4. You spend 3 hours going to a website and/or calling a phone number to find out that no information is available, but you can mail a bunch of documents to 666 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY.

5. The final settlement is reached. Sheraton agrees to send coupons for 5% off a future stay to the 11 people who sent in the proper paperwork, and to pay the $1.6 million legal fees (leaving them a profit of $58 million on the fraudulent fees).

By the way, lest you think this is a hypothetical example, as part of one of these settlements I received a voucher last week from Starwood Hotels for $8 off of the rack rate at any of 12 named Starwood hotels in Florida and Texas, provided I call a special 800 number when making the advance reservation. You can now insert your own joke at my expense.

This action has no class.

My E-mail Friends

Here are nicknames for my 10 friends who haven't figured out yet in 2006 how to send e-mail.

1. Old Subject Guy - Either doesn't know how or is too lazy to paste my address into a new e-mail, so he replies to something I sent him 6 months ago without changing the subject line
   
2. Bottom Feeder - Replies to my e-mail and inexplicably adds his comments all the way at the bottom of the e-mail
   
3. Thoughtful Idiot - Sends me the latest fake virus warning, but shows me how smart he is by adding "I know some of these are hoaxes, but better safe than sorry"
   
4. Dr. Pepper - Peppers his responses to my e-mail throughout the original, so I can enjoy hunting around for his insightful comments
   
5. Confucious - This person has a wonderfully thoughtful witticism in his signature. It grows more and more wonderful as I read the same quotation dozens of times in e-mail after e-mail.
   
6. Mystery Attachment Guy - Nothing says he cares like the mystery attachment he sends with every e-mail entitled att00001.txt, along with his .vcf data file.
   
7. Multimedia Dude - That e-mail he sends with the cute music and animation is not only hilarious for me, it was enjoyable to all of those around me.
   
8. Mr. No AIM - He is never logged on to AIM, so conducts "old school" chat by sending me an e-mail that says "hey, what's up". 3 days and 10 e-mails later I find out that he wanted to go out for lunch.
   
9. Important Dude - Flags every e-mail as "Important". Not sure why, seems like it is usually women who do this.
   
10. The Space Saver - Deletes out my original message in his reply, so I get a response to something I sent a week ago that just says "sounds good". The Space Saver sleeps well knowing that he saved a tree in cyberspace.

Why Didn't I Think of That?

A man was arrested in Miami for going door-to-door pretending to be a doctor and giving women free breast exams. It wasn't until one woman was asked to remove all her clothes and was given a purported genital exam (without rubber gloves) that she became suspicious. What is wrong with people? A doctor that makes house calls would make me immediately suspicious.

What a boob!